Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A fresh start

Wow...this posting is more difficult to write than I thought.  I've started it about a dozen times, and have been hitting the delete key continually. 

A month ago, I moved out of the house that I used to share with Matthew.

I know that this comes as a shock to many of you who haven't yet heard.  And the reasons are too many and too complex to tell, so I'm just going to leave it at that for now. 

But what I will say is that even though it was at my instigation, the day I left was truly the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.  I think I have shed more tears in the past few weeks than I have in my life, and while it has been challenging to figure out who I am and what I'm going to do, I am just taking it one day at a time, and have been working on starting to forgive myself for breaking his heart.   

I know it seems completely contradictory that the last posting I wrote was about wanting to be a father, and now the adoption plans are moot.  A lot has happened in the past two months.  And while I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to do what I did earlier, and that I have hurt Matthew and his family, I know it was the right thing to do, especially if a child had been involved later down the line.  Nonetheless, I'm very grateful to everyone who offered their help and support while we were going through the adoption process. 

Being the one who left, I'm the "unpopular" one, in many eyes.  I've already noted a few defections in my Facebook friend list.  I'm sure there are people from whom I won't ever hear again.  I get it.  And I'm okay with that, because they have to deal with this in their own way.  And if I'm the bad guy in their eyes, then so be it.

I feel like I've spent my life trying to be good for someone else - a good son, a good brother, a good partner, a good employee, a good friend.  But I need to be good to me, and this was just the first step in what will be a long journey of healing - for everyone involved.

So here I am, with a fresh start.  Figuring out how to live on my own again.  Learning how to cook for only one person (which I clearly haven't learned how to do yet, because my freezer is filled to the brim - still.  I'll post a picture one of these days.).  Finding my way in my new neighborhood and figuring out where everything is.  Discovering a new running path along the lake, and getting back into a good exercise routine to try to stave off the 10lbs I lost during the move-out week.  (In truth, I don't think I've been this lean in more than 10 years...)  Walking 1.5 miles each way to work, and loving it.

And I'm looking forward to finding my voice again, on this blog and in my life.  I haven't yet figured out what to do with my prior blog entries.  Part of me wants to scrub them all, and start over completely anew.  And part of me wants to keep them, because they're a document of my life.  Decisions to be made.  Regardless, I'll be posting more frequently and hope you'll keep visiting.

So in the spirit of fresh starts, here's a picture of a fresh start: sunrise over Lake Michigan on my first run on the new path.  It was a good day.

3 comments:

Megan said...

You'll hear from me again, Christopher. Keep being good to yourself. HUG.

Claire said...

It's brave of you to do what's unpopular. It's brave of you to leave the known and delve into redefining yourself. And it's really, really brave of you to choose you.
I'm proud of you, my brave friend for making a difficult decision(s). Lots of love & black cat peanut butter xxx

Dan said...

Glad you're writing again, Christopher. Enjoy the sunrises. Hugs from us in Toronto!